The next 45 minutes were terrible.  Absolutely terrible.  I became “that” mom that I have always been so quick to judge.  I became the mom who seemingly had zero control over her child.  Normally obeyed commands went in one ear and out the other.  She whined to be picked up and then as soon as she was in my arms, she whined to be let down.  Over and over.  She searched through the trash can.  Ripped up the paper on top of the exam table.  Threw toys across the room.  Dropped everything.  Wouldn’t sit still.  And wouldn’t listen.  Her usual 5 second attention span was reduced to 2 seconds.  Who was this child and where did Hannah go?

Finally, it was time to go and I sheepishly apologized to the DR for the chaos who smiled a sympathetic smile and walked out.  I wanted to cry.  I was embarrassed.  Actually, embarrassment is an understatement.  I was humiliated.

On the drive home, I began to think and pray about what had just happened and why I felt so defeated.

“Kids are kids.  She’s only one.  That’s normal.  Give yourself some grace.”  

On the other hand…

“All this work for nothing?  We’ve been so intentional about trying to teach and train her.  She has shown so much progress.  Why does it always seem like 1 step forward and 2 steps back?”

Ultimately, it came down to this:

1.  When you care too much about what people think, God just may give you lots of opportunities to swallow your pride.  Better yet, plan on it.  And then be able to find some humor in the situation.  It’s good for you.

2.  Don’t judge.  It will come back to bite you.  In fact, fess up now in the areas that you have judged.  It’s never too late to apologize and repent.

3.  Maybe your child’s behavior isn’t always contingent upon your parenting.  This isn’t a “let me off the hook” plea because truly, I don’t want to make any excuses.  Nor is it an absolute.  We’ve read numerous books and sat down with numerous “been there before us” parents and though we’ve only been doing this for a year, we aim to be as intentional and consistent as possible.  We believe that you need a plan when it comes to parenting.  Both parents, if in the picture, need to be on the same page.  Consistency is HUGE.  Parenting isn’t something that we do casually on the side.  It is far too important of a calling.  Therefore, we are trying our best.  I am trying my best.  But I’ll be honest and say… it just doesn’t show sometimes.  The end result doesn’t always accurately depict the effort put in.  And that’s OK.  What matters the most is that we love Hannah the best that we can.

Just remind me of this tomorrow.  :)

How can I describe Jonah…  Well, let’s just say he’s about the complete opposite of Hannah as a baby.  He is relatively calm and content.  And he is consolable.  When he cries, I pick him up and he stops crying.  Who knew?!  He loves to be held and he is constantly nuzzling into your shoulder or chest, trying to get as cozy as possible.  He’s a great sleeper and efficient eater which I am so thankful for.  He tolerates his sister who kisses him upwards of 25 times a day.

And by kiss, I mean head-butt.  :)

Happy Two-Months Jonah-bug.  We think that you are the greatest!

The name of the title is exactly what I was doing.  I was supposed to give Hannah a bath while Eliza Joy was out running errands.  Hannah likes time in the tub, so I figured I would plunk her down in there for a bit and let her play – while using my laptop.  I was sitting on the toilet only 3 feet from her.  I would glance over every 10-20 seconds to make sure she wasn’t standing up, which is about the only thing that she does that would worry me.  Until today.

About five minutes into her bath I look over and see that she has something in her hands.  I had given her two floaty plastic toys that are little ducks or frogs or something like that to play with (that is how ribbiting, errr, riveting I think they are).  Anyway, they are twice the size of her hand, and it wasn’t one of those.  That is when I looked in the tub and saw it – the giant poop that she had just dispensed into the water.  It was floating all over the place.  It was also in her hand.  And she had just attempted to eat some of it.

I think I really startled her when I jumped up and starting yelling “No! No! No! No!” – though it didn’t seem to make her not want to play with this new mysterious play-dough.  Needless to say, cleaning up water logged poop chunks isn’t my new favorite activity.  So next time your kid is playing calmly in the tub, make sure you pay attention more carefully that me.

And hopefully, the Christmas card tree will not still be displayed in my living room one year from now.  :)

I woke up to this picture on my phone. Notice the birthday sign in the background!

A few hours later, we picked up one tuckered out (from a 48 hour marathon play date) little girl.  We brought her home and to our surprise, she slept most of the day and when she wasn’t sleeping, she was a bit of a mess.  She had come down with a nasty virus that knocked her out of her usual routine for a good week or two.  I’m happy to report that she is finally back to herself this week and therefore, I was finally able to sit down and write up a little update on the Bean.

One year ago, as we spent two weeks in the hospital, the thing that stuck out to me most about Hannah is that she was and is a fighter.  One year later, we can testify to this 100%.  Just try to make her sit down on your lap and you will see.  But seeping through her strong will and determination is a sweet little girl that I have fallen in love with.  She has filled our home with laughter (and a lot of tears) this past year.  On the rare occasion that she lets you hold her tight and she melts into your arms, we know that we are embracing a little girl who will grow up to be someone who sets the pace for those around her.  And with this understanding comes the weight of knowing that she is only ours on loan… to love and delight in, to teach and train.  This changes everything for us.  Most days, I simply don’t feel up for the challenge as she is everything but a textbook baby and I so often feel helpless and inadequate and completely in over my head.  But deep down, I know that for some reason, God chose me and He chose Russell to be the parents of this little fireball and that He will lead us as we try our best to listen to and trust Him.

So Hannah-Bean, here’s to you on your first birthday (3 weeks late).  You make our lives richer every single day and we love you to pieces.

My midwife came in and checked me again and sure enough, I was at 10cm and it was go-time.  In came a swarm of nurses, the big light dropped out of the ceiling, and in the midst of all of the hustle and bustle, I got a charlie horse in my hamstring.  Are you kidding me?!?  Regardless, it was time to push.  In the back of my mind, I was remembering what it was like to push Hannah out.  I had grand ambitions of pushing her out quickly but an hour later, she was still semi-stuck and ended up coming out face-up (not a fan).  It was terrible (no exaggeration).  This time, however, I pushed through 2, maybe 3 contractions and out came Jonah!  The thing about labor that always gets me is how a relatively modest and very self-aware person can do the things they do in that moment.  Russell still loves the famous line from when I was pushing Hannah out and the midwife gently suggested an episiotomy.  Even though we came into that room adamantly denying the option, there I was in the worst pain of my life and screaming….  “I don’t care what you do!  Get this baby out of me!!!”   This time around, I was equally as unashamed and my normally well-behaved lungs enjoyed the workout.  In the end, however, I will always remember that exact feeling when the nurses lay that fresh-out-of-the-oven baby on your chest, all purple and wrinkly, and all you can do is sigh a deep breath of relief.

sidenote:  When I first held Hannah, my very first thought was, “OH MY WORD.  THIS IS MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!  Thank you, God!”  When I first held Jonah, it went more like this, “OH MY WORD.  I’m not in labor anymore!!!  I’m not pregnant anymore!!!  Thank you, God!!”  And then came, “This is my SON!!”  Just being honest.  :)

After several minutes of cuddling, the nurses took him to weigh him, clean him up, etc.  They were initially concerned about his breathing (it was very rapid) and so they ordered some blood work to be done and warned us that if he had an infection, they may have to take him to the NICU for a bit.  However, after Russell held him for about 30 minutes and we were able to pray for him, his breathing returned to normal and we were allowed to keep him with us.

Overall, the experience was incredible and significant on so many levels for me.  I tangibly saw and experienced the grace of God.  By grace… I mean divine enabling… supernatural help.  I experienced HIS strength in my utter weakness and pain, HIS endurance and perseverance when everything in my body was saying, “Quit!”.  And the result was the birth of our precious Jonah.  The name, Jonah, means ‘messenger’ and his middle name, Isaac, means ‘laughter’.  Our prayer for this little boy is that God would give him and make him into a living message that would bring joy and laughter to everyone he comes in contact with.

I wasn’t able to sleep much on Saturday night since most of the contractions were strong enough to wake me up. After another walk around the neighborhood on Sunday morning, things finally started to pick up. By around noon, we noticed that the contractions were definitely getting closer together. By around 2pm, they were almost five minutes apart and so I made the call to my midwife who told us that it was indeed time to head to the hospital. Finally!

We gathered up Hannah’s stuff and dropped her off at our friends’ house down the street and we were on our way. As we drove down the highway, Russell turned and said to me, “Watch you already be at 7cm!” I tried to squeeze out a laugh but deep down I was thinking… ‘Yeah right, watch me still only be at 3cm’ (which is what I measured at my last DR’s appointment on Friday). With Hannah, it took me hours of contractions in the hospital to go from a 3 to a 4 and I didn’t want to get my hopes up that I was already past that stage.

We checked into the hospital and settled into the triage room where a nurse asked all of the normal questions and then some abnormal ones like “Do you have any tattoos”? Hmmm…  She then proceeded to check me and surprisingly exclaimed, “You are already measuring 6cm!” Let me tell you… that was the best news I had heard in a long time and I was pumped!!!

Hannah continues to be a little firecracker.  She is taking lots of steps… though they normally end up like this:

She continues to crack us up with her many faces, tumbles, and quirks…

But she also has an incredibly sweet side to her and is slowly but surely learning how to let us cuddle with her (for all of 10 seconds at a time).

And here’s the obligatory belly shot… even though I was distracted and looking the wrong way:

Next time I post… it just may be pictures of our son!

This, too, shall pass.  And if it’s not this, it will be something else.  (ok, two sentences)

The greatest encouragement in the midst of the hardest trial is that the current problem will not last forever.  In fact, for babies, it will probably only last for a few weeks or a few months.  I remember the days surrounding Christmas when the GI specialist at Children’s Mercy told us to feed Hannah a special type of formula every three hours on the dot, even in the middle of the night to see if it would make a difference in her digestive system.  Even though she had started sleeping for 5-6 hour stretches at night, I had to revert back to setting an alarm and dragging  myself out of bed to wake up a sleeping baby in order to feed her.  I was absolutely exhausted.  And yet I barely remember those weeks now.  There were the hours of crying that lasted every evening from around 5pm until 10 or 11 at night.  There were the 5 outfit changes, 100+ spit-ups and 1-2 baths per day.  There were the ear-piercing screams every time the bottle was taken out of her mouth.  There were the few weeks of 6am wake up calls after months of her sleeping in until 8am.  And yet as quickly as each new challenge presented itself, another one was beginning to fade.  Stepping back, taking a deep breath, and gaining some perspective is absolutely essential for me as a new mom.

We’re starting to see the same lesson emerge but on the flip side of the coin.  As Hannah develops little habits and quirks that we just can’t get enough of, we find ourselves wishing that time would stand still.  And yet as soon as one mannerism or new skill starts to fade, another begins.  We find ourselves missing the endless raspberries she used to blow last week but loving the non-stop chatter that she is offering to us this week.

All to say, I’m experiencing the tension of wishing Hannah was older so that she could communicate why she is upset about something and simultaneously wishing time would stand still so that she would never outgrow that little cheesy toothy grin she makes when she crawls around the corner and sees you smiling at her.  Time is precious and unique and complicated and I’m learning to just enjoy today for what it’s worth and all that it offers.  Because if it’s not this, it’ll inevitably be something else.

The good news is that Hannah seemed fascinated by the little baby.  At first she was sure that he was just a toy, a crying, wiggling, squeezable little toy.  Soon after, however, she realized that he was actually alive and after about a dozen times of “No, Hannah.  No touch”, she was content to watch him, smile at him, and crawl all around him.  Now, I still wouldn’t ever leave her alone with a newborn knowing that she may very well poke his eyes, crawl across his little tummy, and try to eat his feet… but a start is a start.

This summer has been a hot one so far but we’ve enjoyed our pool time, grilling out on the back deck that Russell built last month, and a few Saturday morning trips to the City Market.

celebrating josiah's first birthday... country style

just making sure all of josi's sunscreen was rubbed in..

where she spends a majority of her time each day... her first "playground"

taking some steps with the walker