Posted by: myroadtoemmaus | October 22, 2007

the weight of glory

These last two weeks have been characterized by a weightiness that I have seldom experienced before. It is a heaviness that burdens me and yet it is one that I do not wish to pray away. For it is a weight of sobriety, a weight of reality, and a weight that I do not want to continue to live without. “It’s the weight of glory”, a dear friend chimed in as I was trying to explain it to her. Up until that point, I had no words to articulate it but as soon as she said it, the words resonated deep within me. I was feeling the weight of God’s glory. Without wanting to sound too abstract, let me explain some of what I mean by this.

For the past two weeks, my heart has been constantly stirred. Through a talk, a scripture, or through prayer, I find myself gripped, firmly anchored in my chair, unable and unwilling to get up, to move, or to leave the moment. I find myself seeing just a glimpse of the glory of God and it leaves me speechless. By glory, I mean the “god-ness” of God, that which makes Him God and everybody else not God, that which causes me to revere Him and to fear Him and to want to run and hide knowing that I have been living a life far less worthy than He deserves. I have seen just a glimpse and it leaves me broken and paralyzed in my response. I mourn my insufficient and inadequate response. I long to kneel down, face to the ground, and kiss His feet, but His feet are not there..

CS Lewis, in a famous sermon of his, described the weight of glory like this: “To please God… to be loved by God, not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son—it seems impossible, a weight or burden of glory which our thoughts can hardly sustain. But so it is.”

I long for my response to be whole-hearted surrender and yet as quickly as I find myself overwhelmed by God, I find myself distracted, snapping at Russell, short-tempered and irritated… another paradox, it seems. The moments of intensity followed by the most carnal moments of all have taken their toll on me these past few weeks. My body is exhausted and yet I long to enter back into the presence of God, back to where I am starting to feel more alive than I ever have before.


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