Posted by: myroadtoemmaus | November 9, 2007

hitting the wall

I hit a wall this week. I decided that I just did not want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to go to the prayer room. I didn’t want to go to class. And yet there was nothing else to do. We were participating in a three day fast that the whole missions base participates in during the first Monday through Wednesday of each month. This time around, Russell and I were fasting our time meaning that we had turned off our computers and the television for three days and that besides eating, working out, and class, we were going to try to spend as much time in prayer as we could. I failed miserably. My passion was at the level 0. I wanted to turn on my computer and just waste time like I can so easily do… and yet I couldn’t. I wanted to go shopping and yet I couldn’t because we are broke. I wanted to go hang out with friends and yet I couldn’t because to be honest, we just don’t have many friends yet and the ones that we do were fasting, too. I wanted to go do something outdoors and I couldn’t because we live in Kansas City and there is nothing good to do in Kansas City. I wanted to eat something really good and yet I couldn’t because we had run out of groceries and couldn’t buy more until the following week. I wanted to do something… anything… and there was absolutely nothing to do.

I realized that I was staring my barrenness directly in the face. And I hated it. Being here in Kansas City, I am learning (slowly) what it means to starve my flesh. The comfort that I have grown so accustomed to for the past 23 years of my life has suddenly been stripped away. You see, it is not like any of the things that I wanted to do were inherently bad. They were all good things… and that is the problem. I have filled my life with so many good things that my appetite for the best thing has been dulled. And now, as a result, I find myself with little access to the good things and a lack of desire for the best thing.

For the first time since I have been here, I had to ask myself “Do I really believe that this is worth my time? Do I really believe that ministering to the Lord is the best thing that I can be doing in this season of my life?” And just like the father whose son Jesus healed, I find myself saying, “I do believe…. but Lord, please help me in my unbelief.”


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