Posted by: myroadtoemmaus | January 4, 2008

here we go again

As if leaving our jobs, our homes, our friends, and our family and moving halfway across the country just one month after being married wasn’t “enough”, we have decided to add to this journey by staying in Kansas City and joining full-time staff at the International House of Prayer. Five years ago, this is precisely what I imagined myself to be doing (note sarcasm). Alas, Russell and I are thrilled at this opportunity and already looking forward to the first day of our new staff orientation which begins the first week of February.

Getting to that day, however, will be the challenge. Full-time staff requires that we raise full support which has been demanding full surrender out of this doubting heart. Sadly, this is a daily battle for me. I do not know which is more difficult- surrendering my fear of not raising enough money or surrendering my need for approval by every person around me as I find myself sheepishly coming out behind my closed door and really telling people what we are doing. “You mean, you just sit in a room and pray? But what are you really doing? Are you actually helping people? What are you doing?” And so the conversations go. Are they opportunities for me to share about the goodness of God and how worthy He is? Of course. Yet they are also “opportunities” (I say this resentfully) for the Lord to mercifully squeeze out of me the people-pleasing spirit in my life. Many of our close friends and relatives do not understand… and I do not blame them. Many not only do not understand but also do not agree or support what we are doing. Slowly, I am starting to realize that their misunderstanding and disapproval are becoming the avenue through which I am forced to get on my knees before the Lord and ask, “Are you sure that this is what you want us to do? Are you sure that it’s worth it?” And then ask again. And again. And again.

His answer yesterday is not enough for my doubts today. So I have to ask Him again. And all the while, I’m beginning to think that God probably designed it this very way.

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