Posted by: myroadtoemmaus | October 2, 2009

hope

Russell gently continues to point out that it has been over a month since I last posted.  I have wanted to sit down and write many times… but was patiently waiting until September 21st to share the good news. 

Last Monday, Russell and I went into the DR’s office for our first ultrasound.  That’s right, we discovered in the beginning of August that we were pregnant.  We were going to finally be told a more definitive due date based on the ultrasound and then we were going to shout the news from the rooftop.  As we sat in the office, the technician began to explain what we were seeing on the screen.  “This is the sac,” she started.  “And that, there is your baby.  But, I’m so sorry to tell you that there is no heartbeat”. 

The next hour was a whirlwind and I don’t remember much of it besides trying to hold it together.  But as soon as we stepped out of the office, into the pouring rain, we both lost it.  There are no words to describe the pain we are feeling…. the aching…   It feels like something was just stolen out of our arms and we are powerless to do anything about it. 

For the short 5 weeks that we knew that we were pregnant, I felt more of the favor and blessing of God than I have ever felt in my life.  I felt like I had just been given the best gift in the world.  And just like that, the tides turned, and now it all feels like a bad dream. 

“But the good news is that you were able to conceive!  There will be more!” some people say, with the best intentions.  But, this one…  This one was the one that I wanted.  This one was the one that I fell in love with.  This was my firstborn.  This was the one I would talk to when I would wake up in the middle of the night and when I couldn’t fall back asleep.  This was the one that I would think about all day long.  This one cannot be replaced. 

This one was real.  I know because of the process of miscarriage that my body is now going through.  I know because of the contractions, because of the pain, because of the blood.  There is nothing pretty about death.  It’s not what we were created for. 

I’d like to tell you all about the wonderful things that the Lord is doing in the midst of this trial.  But, to be honest, I’m just struggling to keep my head above water right now.  There will be stories to tell.  There always are.  There will be a testimony that will come from my own lips.  But right now, there’s just a lot of pain and confusion and wrestling.  And I feel OK about that. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick… and my heart feels sick right now.  The good news is that there’s a second half to that verse.  I can’t testify to it yet… but it’s there… and it’s true.  And one day soon, I will write a post all about it.  I will promise you that.

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Responses

  1. hope. it’s so good, but so painful. thanks for sharing your heart. i’m thankful for you and thankful we can be friends…even thru the really hard times. i love you


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