Posted by: myroadtoemmaus | October 28, 2009

Coming up for air

Grief is such a strange process.  It encompasses a little bit of every emotion, it seems.  The past few weeks have been full of confusion, deep sadness, anger, hope, disappointment, and more sadness.  Some days, to be honest, I didn’t really want to get out of bed and face a world that kept on moving while everything in me wanted to turn the clocks back and do it again, do it differently.  Other days, it was almost as if I had forgotten what had happened. 

Still some days, I am overwhelmed with knowing the goodness of God.  I have long reduced the purpose of suffering to an opportunity to impact others or even to the opportunity to grow in character.  Though the Bible validates each of these purposes, I am beginning to believe that there is something more profound about suffering.  I see it like an escort taking my hand and walking me (though at times it feels more like a dragging of sorts) into the very presence of God, right in front of Him, unable to look any other place than deep into His eyes. 

And there I find myself in the most vulnerable place I have ever been.  I have long wondered about the expression of God in the face of suffering.  What does He think?  What is He doing?  What is He saying?  How can He just “sit there”?  Is He crying with me or is He apathetic to my aching?  The answer changes everything. 

Jesus said that those who mourn are considered blessed, for they shall be comforted.  I have always wrestled with how to view suffering as a means to blessing.  I can’t say that I would ever choose it for myself or for another.  But, I am learning to embrace it when it comes… and in the embrace, I have actually started to feel a little bit of that blessing that Jesus promised.  It’s mysterious.  It’s hard to articulate.  It seems too good to be true at times, but it’s real.  I know it for a fact.

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Responses

  1. What a beautiful post. You are such a prolific writer and do an incredible job capturing your emotions in the midst of suffering. Thanks for sharing it with us.

    Today, may you experience a little more of the promised blessing!

  2. can i marry russell too?
    sorry to be posting comments like crazy – it had been a while since I was on here


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