Posted by: myroadtoemmaus | November 30, 2009

trust

Here’s the ever-processing, always analyzing side of me at its best…

The reality of miscarriage is that it just plain sucks.  I didn’t realize this as it happened to those around me, even ones very close to me.  I didn’t understand their sadness and why it seemed to linger so long. 

But now, I do.  This sadness, though at times it feels sharp enough to take away my breath, mostly surfaces as a fog.  It feels a bit like a cloud that is just always there, no matter which way I look.  To be perfectly honest (even at the risk of revealing how spiritually weak I really am), I feel stuck.  I feel like I was blindsided.  I feel like “it’s just not fair”.  And most of all, I feel like I just don’t trust the Lord as much as I used to.  This subtle distrust has disguised itself like a poison and I don’t realize the profound effects until I’m in a situation where I find myself having the choice to trust again. 

Oh, how I wish I could just ‘get over it’.  Move on.  Be grateful for what I’ve been given.  But then I wake up and remember that I used to be pregnant.  I walk through my day and interact with pregnant women, pregnant friends, and then all of the emotions come flooding back.  Why, Lord?  Why didn’t you step in?  Why didn’t you heal?  And the most haunting of them all- “Why did you give us this baby in the first place… only to take him away?” 

About a week ago, I woke up from a dream and the verse Hebrews 2:13 was running through my mind.  I couldn’t recall what the verse was and soon forgot about it.  Later that night, however, I remembered and instantly reached for my Bible to find the verse.  Instantly, as I read the words, I crumbled.  I don’t remember ever reading the verse before that night.  I didn’t even fully understand the context- but the words- they were like arrows from Heaven and they pierced my heart:

Hebrews 2:13-  “I will put my trust in Him.”  And again, “Here am I and the children God has given me.”

It’s quite an obscure verse- certainly not the one that comes on the Hallmark cards specially made for women who have had miscarriages.  But it was just what the Lord was saying to me. 

I will learn to trust again… not because I can muster it up on my own- but because God is trustworthy.  I will learn to trust Him with the children He gives or withholds.  I will wait on and contend for the promises that He has spoken over my life.  As I was praying the other day, I sensed Him saying, “I will prove it to you again and again and again that you can trust me.”  Waking up from the dream with this verse heavy on my heart was evidence that He really is a relentless God. 

 

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Responses

  1. I love that even when we’re wavering with unanswered questions, God never stops reassuring us of His love, faithfulness, and promises. Thanks so much for sharing that!

  2. this is absolutely beautiful. i love the last paragraph–it speaks to my heart in a real way…

  3. Thanks for sharing your heart. He is relentless! I am praying that He will prove it new everyday.

  4. more more, where are the posts? 🙂


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