Posted by: myroadtoemmaus | December 4, 2009

what shall my response be?

Someone wise encouraged me the other day that instead of continuing to ask, “Why, Lord?”, I should begin to ask, “What do you want my response to be?”. 

It sounded easy enough but in actuality was far more difficult than I first anticipated.  To cease to ask why felt like giving up without a fair fight.  Don’t get me wrong- it’s not as though I will never ask that question again.  There is undoubtedly a time for that.  A time to wrestle like Jacob did.  In fact, I wrestle all of the time with the Lord- but it only gets me so far.  There also must be a time to surrender your own understanding, to accept His plan, and to respond.

As I was sitting in the Prayer Room this morning, I finally came to that place where I laid down my lack of understanding and just spit it out, “Well, what do you want my response to be then, God?”  It only took a few seconds before I knew.  The answer was in the same verse God had given me last week.  That was what He wanted my response to be.  He gave it to me ahead of time so that I could start to pray that way.     

“I will put my trust in You.  Here am I and the children whom You have given me.”  -hebrews 2:13

Without thinking twice, I started to edit the verse in order to apply it to my own situation.  “Here am I and the children whom You have not yet given me.”  But before I finished my sentence, I suddenly realized how mistaken I was. 

I started to feel that ache again… and I remembered, we have been given a child.  I saw him on that ultrasound screen.  He was real.  As real as ever.  And that image will be forever engraved in my mind.  For that was the only glimpse I will have this side of Heaven.

So I started again, “Here am I and the children whom You have given… and taken away… for now.  For he was never ours in the first place.  He was a gift.  A blessing… that we were chosen to conceive and then love for as long as You planned.  And if You chose only a few months… then….. thank you.”  There, I had said it. 

And before I knew it, my posture went from sitting back, arms crossed, eyes on my navel…. to such peace as I whispered again, “Thank you, Jesus.”  And just like that, I went from the teenager who assumes their parents are out to make their life worse to the little girl running into the lap of her Father, burying her head into His chest, needing Him to comfort her.  And then I sensed His whisper back to me, “I’ve been here all along… just waiting for you.”

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Responses

  1. that was beautiful. love you


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