Posted by: myroadtoemmaus | November 14, 2010

Here we go again…

It was just one week after Hannah was released from the hospital that we started noticing similar symptoms again.  By last night, neither Russell nor I had a good feeling about it and so we decided to take her to the ER to have her checked out again.  We were hoping that they would take a look, say that everything was normal, and send us home.  Instead, we were in the ER for 4 hours and then they admitted her to the hospital..  again.

Last night was terrible on so many different levels.  It was terrible to see the familiar sights and hear the familiar sounds.  It was terrible to stand outside of the ER room and hear Hannah scream for 15 minutes as they put an IV line in.  It was terrible to hear them say (again), “NPO”…  medical terminology for “You cannot feed her, Mom”.  It was terrible to see the nurses stick a suction tube down her nose, twice the size of the one she had in last time and then hear her scream, inconsolably, for half an hour until they finally listened to us, relented, and took the tube out, only to put a smaller one in a few hours later.  It was terrible to see our baby girl so physically exhausted (babies are not intended to stay up for 5 hours being poked and prodded) only to wake up every few minutes and start to cry again.  Nothing about last night was good.  The hardest part, however, was the sinking feeling of… “Here we go again”.

Though we had every intention of winning over the nursing staff, I’ll be honest and say that I was not pleasant to be around last night.  Let’s just say that I might have ticked off the ER nurse a bit too much considering that she walked out of the room and the next person to walk in was our “new nurse for the night”, even though I’m pretty sure shift changes don’t take place at 11:30pm.  Then, I broke down in front of the two residents who witnessed my nastiness towards the nurse and I apologized..  a lot.  Throughout it all, I was reminded of just how weak I am, of just how much I don’t want to go through this again, and most of all… how much I need Jesus.

I watched how that familiar foe of entitlement crept back into my heart.  Give me answers!  Give them to me now!  We deserve them!  I saw my anger flare up in ways that I haven’t seen in a while…  No!  You don’t have to look into her ear again!  I promise you that it’s the same as it was five minutes ago when the last doctor looked at it.  Her ear is not the problem!  And I witnessed how easily discouraged I can become… how quickly I can lose perspective.

So here we are again.  This time we’re on the 6th floor and have an incredible view of the city.  New nurses.  A new room.  But the same problem as last time.  A tummy completely full of stool and gas and a tired and hungry baby girl who can’t seem to push it out on her own.

We are praying for an explanation.  For a solution.  For something that will help us to not have to come back to the hospital again.  But we are also praying for strength, for grace, and for endurance.  We really want answers.  But even more than answers, we want to drink this cup well.  Whether it’s another day or another week, we want to encounter the only One who does have the explanations and the solutions.. the One who created Hannah and who is sustaining her.

 

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Responses

  1. I am so sorry you have to go through all this! I am contenting with you for healing and breakthrough and clarity! And I pray that the peace that does pass understanding, that doesn’t depend on circumstances, but on Jesus being the Prince of Peace, that His peace will fill all three of you and that you will have grace and strength to endure all of this! Love, Elisabeth

  2. Love you and praying here. Call if you’d like to tallk, pray on the phone. Love, C

  3. keeping you ALL in our prayers. you all need answers and we pray for that to happen with minimal pain for baby and you .blessings and love,mema and grandad

  4. Hi Eliza Joy – Anna Kate told me about Hannah and I have been following your blog since then. I am so sorry to hear you are back in the hospital. I am praying that you will get answers soon. (And, by the way, Hannah is adorable.)


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