Posted by: myroadtoemmaus | January 3, 2011

fresh start

Today marks the end of my maternity leave and I will be honest to say that I’m just a bit nervous about the weeks and months ahead.  On one hand, I am so excited to go back to work.  My job is a privilege and I’m so looking forward to long hours in the Prayer Room and getting to serve at the Ministry School here at IHOP.  Most days, I feel like I was made to be in full-time ministry.  Plus, I get to bring Hannah with me to work.  Again, what a privilege.  However, on the other hand, I’m nervous.  Hannah is still having a lot of bad days.

Starting on Christmas Eve, she has started to vomit once a day.  By vomit, I mean projectile.  The entire bottle.  And then some.  Out her mouth and out her nose.  The doctors don’t know what is causing it.  A quick ultrasound ruled out the possibility of pyloric stenosis.  They also prescribed Zantac, with the assumption that she has developed quite a case of reflux.  That makes the total number of meds that we give her each day…  5.  Mornings seem to be her best time of day.  By the early afternoon, however, she starts to act like she is in a lot of pain.  She cries through each feeding, arching her back at times and other times she is stiff as a board.  She works herself into a full blown siren wail several times a day and hardly naps for more than 20 minutes at a time once the afternoon hits.

Tonight was a challenging one.  After screaming for close to half an hour, I decided to give her a bath for baths are her absolute favorite.  She smiles the entire time.  But tonight was different.  She just continued to scream, pushing up on her legs so hard that I thought she was going to flip backwards out of her little tub.  After several minutes of trying to calm her down, I gave up.  I wrapped her in my towel, held her as tightly as I could, and just started to sob.  Within a few minutes, she finally fell asleep.  10 minutes later, she was still gasping every few seconds and I was still crying.  It absolutely breaks my heart to see her like this and to only be able to do so much.

I know that this will get better.  You don’t see a lot of 1 year olds who cry half of the day.  But in the meantime, in the here and now, I find myself desperate for strength to get through this.  A new year means a fresh start and I am full of hope.  I am full of hope that Hannah will get better.  Day by day.  Week by week.  There is a great calling on her life- I’m convinced of it- and I know that she will overcome this.  And I am full of hope that I will get better.  Better at leaning into the Lord.  Better at relying on Him.  Better at finding my strength in Him.  My joy in Him.  My everything in Him.  This is going to be one incredible year.  I can just feel it.



  1. Hey EJ
    I know this is super random but I have been following your story thru Emily’s blog and have been really thinking about y’all. Yesterday I saw a mystery diagnosis (tv show) episode on a little baby girl who was throwing up and having stomach issues that later developed into seizures. Not saying that this is happening with y’all of course, but the family was living near yall and when the parents kept getting no answers, and they demanded to go to childrens mercy hospital in kansas city (just like you!). So the similarities in the stories just got my attention. Anyway, the baby ended up having a b6 deficiency that caused the seizures and stomach issues and a doctor at children’s mercy finally discovered it. I will continue to pray for y’all in 2011 and I too have hope that y’all will get an answer and Hannah’s health will improve. Keep asking for second opinions, keep the faith, and remember to take care of yourselves. You two are also going through a lot and it is ok to need help from outside supports (including counseling- theres my social worker plug 😉 Sending love, and prayers, Virginia (Ginnie)

  2. That is so hard! During the first few months Loic was like that when the afternoon approached too! Except he would not sleep. From about 3 on. He did make it through feedings though. But he sure would arch his back alot. Still does. But he does it when he’s fighting sleep. But he would just cream and scream. Ear piercing. When he brought him home to VA in July our parents said, “wheat is wrong with him?!?!” And they kept on trying to figure it out. He was great in the morning. Happy and all and then by the afternoon he’s just start screaming. But he did not have all of the other problems Hannah has had either. It will pass. My mother in law just kept on telling me, “This too shall pass.” And some how it will pass and Hannah will grow up strong and will be such a delight to you guys (without all of the screaming!) Love you EJ!

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